The Dream Reborn

Update: The jewellery stolen belonged to a member of Queen Latifah's entourage and not The Queen as Newsday so sloppily reported. Next blog I'll discuss Trinidad and Tobago's shoddy journalism.

This is just another story adding to the embarrassment I feel for a little country in the Caribbean called, Trinidad and Tobago.

According to Newsday, a Trinidad and Tobago newspaper, Dana Elaine Owens a.k.a. Queen Latifah, the rapper turned actress turned jazz singer has been robbed while vacationing with a "lady friend" on the island of Tobago. According to the article, "The Queen" and her "lady friend" spent Christmas together(I hope this quells the lesbian rumours for good) on the island.

She checked into the resort under the alias, Cynthia Hadden(I guess she thought Tobagonians don't see her on TV and in magazines). On Sunday, a barbecue brunch was organised for the Grammy award winning singer by the resort she was vacationing in. Upon returning to her room at noon, she realised that her US$10,000 bracelet, two gold rings, a gold chain and a silver ring were missing from her luxury villa. She immediately alerted the manager of the resort who summoned 3 security guards(worthless rent-a-cops) to help search for the missing jewellery. The search turned up nothing, so the local police(the local court jesters) were called in. The normal procedure followed. A report was taken from "The Queen", and our lame police force now has her autograph on official documents.

Newsday also said that "The Queen" contacted her friend in Trinidad and told them she was disappointed and was not thrilled by the manner in which the local law enforcement was handling the case.

My Theory On The Heist

I want to pedal back for a few lines. Let's analyse this heist. The Queen has a BBQ brunch thrown for her because she is "The Queen". No other reason at all. The resort just has a soft spot for The Queen. Coincidentally while she was celebrating the surprise brunch thrown in her honour, $10,000+ in jewellery goes missing from her villa. Three security guards who were told to be on heightened alert because The Queen was staying at their resort couldn't locate the missing jewellery. My conclusion to these observations is, a *La Diablesse was walking through the villas and saw some sparkly objects and thought it would look good with her cow hoof so she took it.

Message to The Queen

Queenie(is it okay for me to call you that?), there have been 549 murders in that little country in 2008 alone. Guess how many of them have been solved? About 10, and I'm being generous here. It's probably really 0. If you ever get your jewellery back, which you said is of sentimental value to you, you would be a very lucky woman. If I may speak plainly amongst friends, shit never gets solved in that cesspool. A Swedish couple was slaughtered like Thanksgiving turkeys about a month ago on that very island you are on right now. There have been no arrests and absolutely no clues. It saddens me to know that I was born amongst these animals. I'm in the process of returning my citizenship at the moment. I swear.

Now onto this "The Queen is a lesbian" rumour. Could you just come out and say it already? Busting out of the closet is the thing to be doing at the moment. 2008 was a good year to be gay. Proposition 8 kind of messed it up at the end there but don't let the Mormons rain on your parade(no pun intended). I suggest you jump on the bandwagon now. You don't want to be the last one out of the closet. It would make you look like just another lesbian, when we know you're "The Queen". We already have proof of you spending Christmas on secluded islands with "lady friends". What more do we need? By the way, if Cynthia Hadden is your "lady friend", you certainly shouldn't be keeping her in any closet.

Ladies and especially gentlemen, I give you Cynthia Hadden.



Definitions: ‘La Diablesse’, the devil woman of Trinidad and Tobago folklore, is sometimes personified as an old crone, who steps forth with her cloven hoof from behind a tree on a lonely road, the sound of chains mingling with the rustle of her petticoat.